The Christmas Letter 2012
Merry Christmas!!! Ho Ho Ho!
Which reminds me…
I’m sure we all remember exactly where we were when we heard the news that Hostess’s bakeries were closing for good. Now keep in mind that I hadn’t actually eaten a Twinkie in at least 25 years, but I have always been the poster child for the economic scarcity principle. So when I fully grasped the concept that there would be no more Twinkies, I immediately and desperately needed…a Twinkie.
Yes, it was pathological. But don’t judge me…it’s Christmas, and I’m tellin’ a story here. So anyway, I quickly threw on some clothes, and hustled over to the grocery store to grab whatever I could…fully prepared to shove aside an angry mob, and defend my right to my fair share of sponge cake and creamy filling.
Okay, apparently, I was waaaay ahead of the crowd…because there I stood completely alone (except for the Little Debbie delivery guy, who was annoyingly upbeat). As I faced the fully stocked shelves of Hostess products, my panic wore off and I realized…I had no idea what I actually wanted. Then it came to me…I’d ask Dan! That boy was practically built by Hostess. I knew he’d take the closure news hard, so I’d have to be sensitive with how I broke it to him. So, in the way that all sensitive, difficult news should be handled…I texted him: “Hostess shuttering. At store. Ding Dongs or Ho-Ho’s?”
He apparently took the news well, as he quickly answered my either/or question with “Yes”. But adorably followed it up with “And I’ve never loved you more.” (See? This is how easy it is to keep our marriage going. Buy the guy a box of Ho-Ho’s on Hostess’s closing day, and he’s loyal forever.)
So now we have a doomsday stash of Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s, and LPD’s (our private term for Little Powdered Donettes). Of course, more than likely by the time you read this, someone will have bought the Hostess brands, and I will be sitting on a gross of snack cakes for absolutely no reason. But at least I have my husband’s undying love.
But don’t worry that our health will suffer from this Hostess binge. I think Twinkies have about the same half-life as Spam, right? So we certainly won’t have to eat them all at once. Plus, we’re both still exercising, doing Pilates every week. In fact we’re so advanced at this point that our instructor has even named specific movements after us. “The Tracey” is a very difficult crunch-type sit up against resistance. “The Dan” is going to the water fountain to get a drink of water and stall for time. Just sayin’.
The funniest Pilates day of all though was when Dan came home completely brutalized from his workout. He was so exhausted, he could barely push his recliner into a full layback.
What the heck could have happened? He looked at me with these big, round, sad eyes and pathetically said, ”You know that our instructor is Canadian. From the minute I walked in today, she apparently thought I was a baby seal…and proceeded to club me to death.”
And because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut…that’s how Dan got his new nickname: “The Baby Seal”.
And that little bit of knowledge is my Christmas gift to you. Use it well.
Speaking of gifts, hope you’ve mailed your letters to Santa by now. Me? I’m asking for a second television remote…so that I can surreptitiously override Dan’s remote when he pauses the TV. See, television has become a lot more interactive around our house because Dan pauses it all the time to give me pop quizzes. For instance, he’s decided I need to have an even deeper understanding of football and basketball. So in the middle of a game, he’ll hit pause to ask if I can read the coverage or have me explain where a pick-and-roll went horribly wrong. I’m so confused at this point that I could probably list myself as a victim of head trauma from sports!
But up ’til now, I’ve been pretty tolerant of his “teaching moments”. That is, until he asked Santa to bring him a laser pointer so that he could do his John-Madden-thing without getting up from the recliner. At that point I knew I was gonna need a remote of my own to combat the dreaded pause. (Don’t tell him. Please. Just let him think that his pause button is broken.)
Although the other day, he did pause “X Factor” to tell me how he thought Khloe Kardashian’s skirt could be better designed to more flatter her figure. I didn’t know whether to nod in agreement, or call a psychiatrist. But I think we can agree, I’ve apparently made him watch too much “Project Runway”. So maybe we’ve had a fair trade-off after all, and I should just go with the flow on this sports thing.
Well, lemme get back to work. I’m sure, like me, you’re working hard to get all your Christmas decorations up. This year, I put little Christmas stockings on all the doorknobs in the house. But it didn’t take long to realize that they’re going to get in the way every time I try to close a door. I said to Dan “I don’t know how I’ll live with these. Have you ever tried to live with something that’s really cute, but it’s just seriously annoying?” His eyes pretty much said, “Welcome to my world.”
But he really wants that laser pointer so he didn’t dare say it out loud.
Well, The Baby Seal and I wish you a spectacularly Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We truly believe that 2013 will be a great year! (What do the Mayans know anyway!) So Ho Ho Ho and Ho-Ho’s! Now go celebrate…