My New Year’s Resolutions




I finally got around to making my New Year’s Resolutions.  In June.  And obviously, “not procrastinating” isn’t one of them.

But before you make fun of me — although from your snickering, I can tell that ship has apparently sailed — I’ve decided to look at procrastination in computer terms:  it’s a feature, not a bug.  I can name a bunch of occasions when I have saved time by NOT doing something immediately…waiting long enough (aka procrastinating)…and then it no longer needed to be done at all.  Boom.  Time saved.

And besides, June is the new January.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s my list of four New Year’s Resolutions:

Number 1. Stop double spacing after a period.

I wrote a blog post on this years ago (entitled To Double Space. Or Not.) when I initially realized that my fervent adherence to double spacing at the end of a sentence was as out-of-style as platform shoes and vinyl albums.  Wait…those are back now, aren’t they?  Bad example.  Okay, well, anyway, double spacing after a period is apparently no longer proper.

My thumb, however, has been doing it without any input from my brain for many, many years.  Like breathing.  So at this point, it ain’t easy giving it up.  There are no 12-step programs.  No self-help books.  I’ve yet to even find one TED Talk.  But nonetheless, I really have to get with the times, and STOP double spacing after a period.

Number 2. Stop trying to make my husband eat healthy food.

Why do I keep trying to conceal Brussels Sprouts in the cole slaw, or kale in the spaghetti sauce?  He always catches me.  I’ve tried dehydrated pea pods, assuming he might think they were like green Cheetoes.  He didn’t.

Although, when I think about it, the last time I bought organic sprouted bread, he actually said, “If I have to eat your crazy bread, then this is the one.”  Maybe I’m getting some traction here, so maybe I’ll wait until next year on this particular resolution.  Yep…scratch this one for now.

Number 3. Stop saving things to read later.

The internet is a rabbit hole.  Face it.  You can fall as far and as long into the hole as you want.  But who has the time?  So when I see a great article or video, I bookmark it to read later.  You know, later…when there is infinitely more time than now.  Except that “later” never really seems to come, and I am left with 6,487 bookmarks that are now weighing on my to-do list like a ton of bricks.  Big, annoying, guilt-inducing bricks.

Eventually, I went through them and quickly realized that the majority of them are now worthless.  Like I reallllllly don’t need that article I saved on how to clean my VHS recorder.  Or the sneak peek trailer for Iron Man 3, considering that the movie itself came out 3 years ago.  So out of the 6,487 things I’ve saved, there’re only about 12 that are even remotely relevant enough to bother reading.

Hey, wait.  This process saved me time in the long run.  It basically falls into the resolution-protected category of procrastination, right?  So, nuh-uh, forget this one.  I’m keeping it.  Sue me.

Number 4. Eliminate the word “Sephora” from my vocabulary.

Sephora, if you don’t already know, is a cosmetics store that is akin to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for women.  If you can lather it, smear it, brush it or squirt it…it’s there.  It’s glorious.  And it’s evil.  And it has to go.

Although technically, my over-buying cosmetics is not something I do for myself.  I do it for you.  YOU have to look at me.  I’m IN here…I only see the outside a couple times a day, and frankly, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.  So on second thought, I am taking this off the list, strictly out of consideration for you.  I’m a giver.

Okay, so ta-dah!!  There you have it: my four New Year’s Resolutions.

Although…I technically took three of them back, and just noticed that I’m not even doing the one.   Crap.  This is going to be much harder than I thought.

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7 responses to “My New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Natalie says:

    In honor of my 8th grade typing teacher, I will continue to double-space after a period. It’s hard to break a 40+ year habit.

  2. Beth says:

    Check, check, check and check!! I think I may write you in as a presidential candidate! Given the current options I feel you could successfully run for president with these resolutions as your platforms!

  3. Elaine McCroan says:

    I almost saved this to read later, but I did not procrastinate. Went ahead and read it now.

  4. Candy Carter says:

    I’m following your lead….I’m procrastinating on commenting.

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